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"When peace like a river, attendeth my way. When sorrow's like sea billows roll. What ever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, 'It is well, it is well with my soul."

This is one of my favorite hymns.

"When sorrows like sea billows roll." What does that even mean? I feel like I know a little better after last night.

I feel like I woke up this morning from the worst nightmare ever. Except it was true, there was no waking up. We had lost our baby.

I know I was only 5 weeks and 5 days. It was early. The doctor said if I wasn't suspecting pregnancy I may not have even known. He said that it is so common, that there's nothing I did or could have done, that it just happens, and that it's not more likely to happen again. But I did know. For 9 wonderful days, I envisioned us as a family of 4. Each of those mornings I woke up excited, and even more in love with the baby. I told everyone who would listen. Stephen and I were talking about names for the baby just minutes before it happened. I selfishly wish I could just pretend it didn't happen, it would make things easier, but I can't and I know its part of God's plan to strengthen me.

To say this month has been an emotional roller coaster doesn't really scratch the surface. Last night was pretty much bottom, the part of the roller coaster where you dip under the earth into the tunnel and it's dark and cold and scary. I sit here clinging to the Lord this morning. I've run blank on the scripture verses to help with healing, but "It is well with my Soul" was running through my head this morning, and I feel like it was a gentle reminder from the Holy Spirit that He is sovereign over all things, and nothing, not even this is out of his control and plan for my life. What a gift.

I am trying to maintain this peace. My sinful nature is sure battling the Lord's comfort and I selfishly want to cling to the hurt and anger instead of leaving it at the foot of the Cross. I know my efforts to just "get over it" isn't going to work only The Comforter in His power and mercy can touch my heart. I am so thankful to have a Lord who washes over me in times of confusion, hurt, and even anger and holds onto me. Only with Jesus is it really "well with my soul."

Thanks to all my friends and family. Stephen was my rock last night. I know he was hurting too, but he stayed strong for me. He held me, reassured me, prayed with me, and even made me laugh when I needed it. Its times like that when I truly realize what a wonderful man I'm married to.

I'm also so blessed to have a friend, who is a true sister in Christ. She came over, even though she had to work today and is tired and pregnant herself to stay at home with David so Stephen and I could go to the hospital together. She prayed with us, and let me talk when we got home, even though it was so very late. What a wonderful blessing. I know I have many other friends here that would do the same and I'm one lucky person to have such amazing people in my life.

Today I'm going to hang out with my little boy (who's giving me extra love this morning) and do a lot of praying. Also I'll sing this song a lot:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain